Not a bad way to start the day or the week. Here’s to getting back on the wagon!
I am a little terrified, but my good friend is driving me there and he’s really good at it and is being very supportive. I just don’t want to make a complete fool out of myself.
But, I think it will be good for me to have a constructive outlet for all this pent up anger and frustration. And since I still kind of have a cold I haven’t done any exercise which is my go to coping mechanism.
I was really excited this morning. You know, feeling good despite the sore throat. And I saw some friends and things were fine. And then I spent the afternoon in bed, trying to take it easy and drink my lemsip and kick this cold in the but before it really begins. And I don’t know why, but I just got stuck in the rather detrimental thought patterns and I ended up just sitting on the floor staring into space for like an hour. I could feel it happening even yesterday, when I was sitting in the taxi from the train station. The closer I got to this place, the more I started feeling like I did last semester. And I don’t get it, it doesn’t make sense. I love this place, and I love my friends, and it just doesn’t make sense. I’ve always been good at keeping my mindin check. I’ve had mental coping strategies in place for longer than I can remember. Min over matter was always my motto, and there really were few things my brain tried to hit me with that I couldn’t subdue or ignore or just refuse to get to me. And last semester that kind of broke down. I was just too stressed and too tired and people were being too depressing so I gave in, I caved, and I let myself get sucked into a pretty depressing fucking spiral. But going home helped (minus the occasional relapse brought on by family drama, but even then I resisted the razors), and having such along break let me de-stress and regroup and clear my head. I haven’t figured out what to to with the guy (don’t know if I’ve told that story. whatever), and I saw him again and things were great but that is just more confusing and I don’t know what to make of it. And I want to deal with it and take charge and usually I would but I’m just scared and all my social anxieties have been acting up ever since I started this year back in September and I hate it, I want to be strong and confident and everything, but really I’m just a massive coward and I can’t help thinking that he doesn’t actually give a shit, and we went to a museum together when we were in London and if I didn’t know better I’d let myself feel like it was a date, because really it would be all I’d want from a date, but we’re friends and just because we slept together a few times doesn’t mean anything,and it’s not fair of me to think this about him, but I swear he’s a good guy and he hasn’t done anything to deserve this massive pile of doubt that I place on all his actions, and at least I have a lot of practice on hiding this kind of thing from people because I really don’t want him to feel crappy because I’m being stupid, but despite all this yelling from my rational side there is still that nagging feeling that he doesn’t actually care, that he just wanted to get laid and there I was and I could be anybody and I can’t get that stupid voice to shut up. And I don’t want to want more, I can’t deal with wanting more, but then I hang out with him and I just can’t help it, and that scares me and I don’t want to go down that path it’s stupid to even consider it. And now that I’m back here, and away from my family who I want to shield from all these parts of me that aren’t quite as put together as they should be, there really isn’t anything stopping me from going back to old habits, and I guess I just needed to write it out and hope that this will help and distract me long enough to let myself listen to my better angels and not go rummaging around that drawer…and the funny thing is, while I wrote that I couldn’t help thinking about the sweet moment of silence that would always come.
I need to get my shit together, I need to get out for a run or into the weight room or anything at all to let me push all this away and just focus on the pain. At least in these situation it would be a good kind of pain, constructive. Now I feel stuck on just pain, the deconstructive kind.
I really don’t want this semester to be as messy as the last one, I want to get my shit together. And I’m gonna try to focus on that. I guess I just needed to vent.
Now I feel dumb.
So after a few days of travelling around, I’m finally back in my uni town. Last semester before I graduate - can’t think about that too much or I start hyperventilating. And that only a slight exaggeration. *panics*
Some awesome things about being back:
- My train was delayed and it was too late to go food shopping, so my awesome flatmate bought me shredded wheat and milk so it was there waiting for me. And this is a girl who’s in full dissertation beast mode. Love it!
- Gonna get so see all my friends super soon.
- Back to my own kitchen and own food; had my oat-quinoa porridge for breakfast and am currently planning my grocery shop. BUY ALL THE SWEET POTATOES
- I have finally been reunited with my running shoes.
Some less fun things about being back:
- In the past few days, because of the cold, I’ve managed to get one hell of a sore throat. And out flat is super cold too. Kept waking up in pain, and then took forever to fall asleep because of the cold.
- Sadly this means that my reunion with my running shoes does actally translate into running for a while. I am gonna try to kick this in the butt before it gets any worse. But I’ll walk to the grocery store, and that’ll prob take a total of 40 minutes both ways, to that’s something.
Hope y’all are having a good day!
Lots of love,
PS- To all my followers, old and new:
Since I live in Scotland, and the weather is fracking freezing, this will be a good few months away. And I feel like setting this goal, is something small and tangiable that I can focus on, helping me stick to my work out routine now when it’s cold and disgusting, so that I can enjoy it once it spring and summer arrives.
This isn’t really so much about how much weight I should have lsot by then, but it will be about how comfortable I feel in my own skin. And nothing makes me feel better about myself than when I stick to my work out schedule.
In other news, I have kind of ditched the 30 day shred. Things got busy here at home, and it’s harder when you don’t have your own space. But mainly I think it’s because I got so bored. I don’t think these types of work out routines work for me, because doing that level 1 work out for 10 days straight was so painfully boring after a while so I didn’t look forward to it. I need vairation to keep up my motivation. Maybe when I’m back to uni next week I can incorporate them into my other work out routines, like swimming and going to the gym, so that way I get some variation. Because I like Jillian Michaels, but 10 days in a row of the same pep talk is not helpful to me. I think it just sets me up for failure, nothing kills my motivation more than being bored by my exercise since I am of the opinion that it should be fun.
But yeah, not to successful on that one. Oh well, I tried.
I don’t know what it is, I’m just not hungry today. Like, I had a baby bell and a dried apricot for breakfast. What? Breakfast is my favorite meal. I plan it as I fall asleep and dream beautiful dream about oatmeal and smoothies and such.
I then had a homemade chocolate muffin. I won’t call it lunch, cause that shit ain’t lunch but it was the only thing that didn’t make me want to hurl at the thought.
Currently forcing down a peanut butter sandwich an attempt to get something non-sugary into my system.
Weird. I don’t like it. I love food. I was planning scrambled eggs with smoked salmon for lunch. Now I don’t even want that. Lame.
I had the most delicious meal ever tonight. It’s one I make regularly when I’m at school and on my own, bu haven’t had it since I go home. Super easy, super healthy and super yummy. That’s the trifecta of food, I’d like to think.
Basically, you take a chicken fillet (or however many you need), plop it in a ovensafe dish, spice it with paprika, chili pepper, a little salt, and then squeeze some lime jucie all over it. Add a couple pieces of fresh ginger, and a glug of olive oil and then get down and dirty, rubbing it all in. You can let it marinate, but I didn’t have time so I just put it in the oven (200°) and -viola!- 20 min later you’re good to go.
On top of this I made sweet potato chips with garlic and chili flakes. And we had some honeydew melon on the side.
I’m getting hungry just thinking about it.
Alas, when I went to do my 30DS this evening, I had a sad moment when I realized that my work out clothes (only brought limited supplied home with me) are all in the wash. I’ll do some crunches and squats and stuff before bed, but no bouncing tonight (no way I’m doing that without my super awesome Shock Absorber sports bra. It is not worth that kind of pain)
Hope y’all are having a bitchin day!
So yesterday became a bit of a cheat day. My eating was mostly healthy - but I ended up going out for coffee with a friend where we split a brownie and I had a delicious vanilla chai. And then when we were hanging out later and watching TV we ended up eating chocolate rather than the fruit sallad we’d planned on making. On top of this, I did skip the 30DS yesterday, opting to stay up until 2am and watching The West Wing with my dad. I felt pretty bad about it, but I’ve been trying really hard to not beat myself up ver these things. It’s not like we binged and went crazy, it was just a little chocolate. So I don’t feel too bad, and I’m back on track for today.
But this did get me thinking about my goals. And here’s the thing, I don’t want to look like Jillian Michaels, or Shaun T, or anyone like that. They are great inspirations and in super shape, but I keep coming back to this idea that that’s not what I want for myself. I quite like my curves. I don’t mind being a little large than these people, with a little more fat on me. I want to look like Jennifer Lawrence (and not necessarily when she’s in hardcore best mode for THG), or an unphotoshopped ScarJo. Or pleasegodletithappen Robin Lawley. That’s my inspiration, that’s who I should be focusing on.
And my reason for doing this is not to fit in to a smaller size or to make people look at me (I tend to try to avoid most unwanted attention at all times), but because I started to notice that I was getting properly lazy, that I wasn’t exercising at all, and that I wasn’t thinking about what I was eating. It made me feel sluggish and weak, and I don’t want that. I want to feel strong and energized and confident. And I’d be quite happy if I felt that way with a size 8, not a size 2.
And what trips me up a lot, I think, is that I’ll tell myself that I really don’t have to work that hard for that. That I don’t have to always say no to that treat, because it’s not like I want to get super skinny. And that can be dangerous too. Because it can offer an excuse, when really it is still better for me to get that 20 min of cardio in, or pick the fruit of the cookie. And in the past I’ve always allowed this mindset to lead me from an active path towards my fitness and health goals.
Last semester I swung the other way, and I started to feel really obsessive about what I was eating and feeling super guilty when I failed to live up to my rather impossible standards. One of the reasons I took a break from all this, I could feel myself slide into a mindsest that wasn’t good for me. Maybe it’s cause I’m at home, and because I’ve had a break from all my emotional crap that’s been bothering me these past few months, but now I feel like my foundation is much sounder. And I think being absolutely clear about what my goals with this whole journey are will help me make sure that I stay on this path. I really don’t want to slip into bad thought habits when I’m back in school and on my own at the end of the month.
Anyhoo. This is me taking a stand against myself, and saying that it’s ok to split a brownie with a friend or indulge in something else, once in a while. It doesn’t undo all the good and healthy food I eat otherwise. One miss work-out doesn’t take away the other 5 or 6 you’ve already done.
Aaaand, I’m done.
So I forgot to update y’all on yesterday’s 30DS session. Nope, I wasn’t slacking off and not doing it - although I was painfully close. All of my muscles were super sore yesterday so it took me a long time to actually strap on my sportsbra and just do it. But I did. I almost quit while doing it. But I pushed through. And today I feel less sore, it’s a miracle! Sadly I’m not gonna have time to do the workout until tonight, and I really really hope I don’t let myself slack off just cause I get tired or something.
Also, I’ve pretty much had at least one smoothie every day of this year. Wish that wouldn’t have to change when I go back to school at the end of the month, we don’t have a blender in our apartment. Boo :( My favorite flavor right now ha got to be raspberry-mango. Just too good.
AAAand I went to the optometrist today - guess who needs glasses?! This girl! So I’m heading down with my best friend to check out some frames. I’ll be like Clark Kent, and then when I take them off to exercise I can really feel like Superman. (Yeah, that sounded wittier in my head).
hope you are all having a nice and fit day!
Like seriously. I’m eating an apple, and I love these apples, but I kind of just want to lie down on my yoga mat. I think I’m starting to feel the real effect of starting the 30 Day Shred. That shit’s intense.
Also, I forgot how amazing endorphins are. Yey for natural highs and anti-depressants.